Derek who?

I’m a racist. Not many people know that. I didn’t until I ‘Googled’ my name for the first time about five years ago. Amongst the usual list of my articles and different sites selling my books, I found one for a racist site that quoted me out of context in an article entitled, in big red letters, Whites Fleeing Briton, supposedly because of mass immigrations. I’ve no idea where they got the quote from, but it seemed to support their view.

‘Derek Workman, who left for Spain two years ago, when asked what the main differences in lifestyle were replied, “Immeasurable.” Asked if he had any regrets the ex-patriot responded ruefully. “Only that I didn’t do it 20 years ago – a phrase you oft hear repeated here.”

I’d said that in reference to wishing I’d moved to Spain years ago because I loved the lifestyle here, and had nothing to do with what was happening in the UK. Fortunately, though, most of the times my name gets quoted it’s for much more benign reasons.

Just for a lark, today I decided to see how many other ‘me’s’ there were, so I Googled (do you know that’s now entered the dictionary!) Derek Workman…and up came 204.000 references. Quite frightening!

I was glad to see that the first hit was for my website, but the next few were hits to such sites as Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. The Facebook for DW isn’t me, although I do have a Facebook account. I was surprised by how many Workman’s there were -far more than I thought possible, because I’ve always hated my name. So I had a wander through the list of World Wide Workman’s.

I found a Jenn Workman and a Jenny Workman, the name of my sister who I’ve not seen hide nor hair of for 15 years; there’s the sexy Santana Workman, with the heavingest bosom I’ve seen in a long time, whose friends all seem to be named along the lines of Thadius, Larone or Shaunfilip, and the wonderfully monikered LaQuinta Bouknight Bankston, who sound as if they are supporting cast from The Wire; Kalen Workman’s a stunner, and looks like a slimmer version of Naomi From Private Practice, who I’ve lusted after for years, and who actually could have been a bit player in The Wire because she reckons that Baltimore’s World Record Skinny Dip is one of the coolest things ever. I gave up at 1000, having found three other Derek Workman’s, none of them me, and neither did I find my brother David, whose fault it is I’m on Facebook in the first place because he sent me a message recently to ask me to be his ‘friend’. It was quite strange, seeing his face after fifteen years. He’s still got more hair than me.

So I kept looking, and found quite a variety of ‘me’. A 23 year-old from Anchorage whose life is skateboarding and street racing, and is afraid of the dark; a young musician (for want of a better word) from Wyoming; and Derek Q7, who’s obviously not a happy bunny because he asks the question, “I mean, how much of a reject as a Chinese person do you have to be to be sent to Oklahoma?” The totally pointless site isthisyour.name told me that people with this name are probably male – now there’s a surprise! – my name is averagely envoweled, in other words has an average number of vowels in it, my personal power animal is the king cheetah and, according to the US Census Bureau, there are 43 of us in the United States, so obviously forty of them aren’t on Facebook. Frankly, darling, who gives a shit!

I was quite cheered up to find that I’m doing pretty well in track and field events, particularly in the 2010 Sparky Adams Invitational, not bad going given my age and general abhorrence of anything sporty; I’ve got a patent in Hyperbranched Polymer and Cycloaliphatic Epoxy Resin Thermosests, something every home should have, I’m sure; I breed deer, although I’m not sure if I do it as a full-time occupation or because I like their pretty little faces (although I did pretty well at the S&S Whitetail Galore Antler Scoring Contest); I’ve been busted for possession of marijana, “Honest, guv, it weren’t me!”, although I may have got off light if I was DW the hard-hearted patrolman in Plymouth, Indiana, who arrested 20 year old Jillian Graves of Culver for driving while suspended with a prior offense.  She was taken to the County Jail, but like a good girl paid the cash bond and was released about an hour after being booked in.

On 25June this year I’ll be marrying Erin Rhoades, which comes as a surprise to me as we haven’t met yet, although we bought a home together last year for $257,000, which shows that I’m doing far better than I think I am; I was a Student of the Month at Pine Grove School in December last year, as reported in the Daily Triplicate, (but I was sad not to have been voted ‘Good Behavior at Breakfast Cafeteria Student of the Month’ or been nominated for the prestigious ‘Soup Labels, Pop Tops and Labels for Education Awards’); I’m apparently pretty nifty at high-kicking Ukrainian dancing, and I’m one of the voices for ‘Sinnertwin’, one of the terrifying robots in the Transformer series of toys.  My Amazon profile took me to Designing Embedded Systems with PIC Microcontrolers: Principles and Applications by Tim Wilmshurst. Certainly not one of my books! And so the list went on….

But I was pleased to note that the real, one-and-only Derek Workman – me! – did get the highest number of hits, mainly thanks to my books and articles, (and I’ll be forever grateful to the difficult-to-pronounce Krocketklubben R.A.S.O.P, for hosting my article on Extreme Croquet). I’m not sure if it’s a sad reflection on the world’s Derek Workman’s that the one with the next highest hits was the chap who breeds the pretty-faced deer.

And here I was, thinking that I’m just a sad old soul, when it seems that there’s absolutely no end to my talents!

If you would like to know more about Spain, visit my web site, www.derekworkman-journalist.com , and Spain Uncovered

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