Nothing like a good blow job.

I’ve just had a brilliant idea if you’re ever stuck in the traffic – blow your horn like mad and everyone will instantly get out of your way. Or at least that appears to be the idea of the dago driver, because they’ve got the tolerance of a gnat as far as most things go, but this is exceeded by their total inability to wait in traffic without making a blaring racket.

It happens every Monday lunchtime, the same brain-dead cacophony. There’s a local street market on Monday mornings, and about this time all the stalls are being packed up and the vans loaded, ready for a slow crawl out of the barrio. With most of the side streets closed, the traffic can only pass down the road right in front of my flat. There are four sets of traffic lights on the street, but drivers can’t see the set two blocks to my right, partly because most of the vans are coming out of a side street and blocking the view. So the patienceless pricks start leaning on their horns. I got so fed up that a few minutes ago I leaned out of my window and screamed at one silly baggage with one hand on the horn and the other out the window holding a cigarette, “Oiye tonta, son semaforos. No se va a cambiar solo porque tu golpeas el claxon como eso!” (Hoy, stupid, they’re traffic lights. They aren’t going to change just because you’re hitting the horn like that!) She nearly jumped out of her seat… no idea where the voice came from, but at least she stopped long enough for the traffic lights to change and move her on to the next block. Mind you, a couple of minutes later another horny bastard arrived under my window.

The Spanish really are crap drivers, especially on the motorway where they will be so close to your backend that you can see the colour of their eyes and whether they had a decent shave that morning. A psychologist once explained to me that it was because the Spanish have a very narrow personal space barrier and that they don’t sense the closeness. No dearie…they’re just shit drivers! And they never leave the middle lane. I was driving with a friend a while ago and jokingly said that when they repaired motorways in Spain they never bothered with the right-hand lane because so few people used it that it never got worn out. She came straight back and said that was because it was only used by foreigners and pensioners like me!

But statistically it’s true that the Spanish are the worst drivers in Europe – even worse than the Italians – based on insurance claims. And the men are the worst. The same friend that was ageist with me said that if you saw a bad driver and it looked like a woman it was a transvestite. Quick as a whip, she is!

But it’s quietend down now; the vans are gone and the intolerant car drivers with them …at least until next week.

(My apologies to gnats. They may have a very high tolerance ratio.)

If you would like to know more about Spain, visit my web site, www.derekworkman-journalist.com , and Spain Uncovered.

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